Monday, July 28, 2008

Abort!



I have seen some terrible movies. Truly horrendous terrible terrible movies.But, being a huge movie nerd, I pride myself on watching movies all the way through. No matter how bad it is, maybe the director pulled through and delivered a whopper of an ending that totally redeems everything. Every movie deserves to be watched all the way through.

I will never ever ever stop a movie or leave a theater before the movie is done. Well, almost never. Here is a list of movies that I couldn’t finish. Fuck what happens at the end. There is no way the guy who did the first 30 mins could do anything worthwhile. It would be akin to watching a monkey poop into its hand, but then using the poop to fingerpaint an exact replica of the Mona Lisa. Its just not going to happen. So here we go. (Oh, btw, this is the first in an ecentual series. I will cover 3 movies each article.)

Jury Duty
A movie called Jury Duty, I’m pretty sure, isn’t supposed to make you feel like you are actually performing jury duty, but this movie totally captured the feel of being sequestered with, of all people, Pauly Shore. Can you imagine the hell that would be? The only interesting way to play this out would have been if the other 11 jurors actually murdered Pauly Shore out of sheer annoyance, and then pretended that he was still alive by puppeteering his corpse. Sort of a Weekend at Bernie’s meets 12 Angry Men. Everyone else in the courtroom would totally know that they had murdered him, due to the obvious neckstab wound, but the would look the other way, cuz, fuck, its Pauly Shore. It’s the only murder a jury would never find anyone guilty for. Also, his name is Pauly?!? Ugh. Anyway, is the guy innocent? Is he guilty? I don’t give a fuck. Let me out of here. I totally read newspaper reports on the case. I am racist. I don’t believe justice is the best way to organize a society. Whatever it takes. Just let me out. Eject. 30 mins in. And I’ve sat through some shit, trust me. I watched Biodome all the way through.

Armageddon
Ok I know a lot of people who call this a great popcorn movie and all, and I am not being snobby here. But this movie was dumb and boring. Like, really dumb. I love these movies where they collect a group of totally out there characters for official government work via montage. One guy is in some kind of illegal motorcycle race. One guy is starting a fight at a bar. One guy is rappelling down the side of the Eiffel Tower. I know that’s not exactly what they were doing, but its how I remember it, and fuck me if I’m gonna look it up. I know it’s a dumb big Hollywood movie, but does it have to be this dumb? Is an oil rig team really the best fit for, you know, drilling IN FUCKING SPACE! I believe its easier to teach astronauts how to drill than it is to teach drillers how to be astronauts. Its like “We need someone to perform neurosurgery on this infant, but they need to be able to drive to the hospital themselves. So we got this cab driver, and we gave him a quick primer. Listen, he is the best driver in NYC! It sound scrazy, but we have to use him!” I’m just saying, you know, that the hard part about being in space is GETTING TO SPACE, and not whatever it is you do when you get there. Also, there is a scene towards the beginning where Bruce Willis finds Ben Affleck getting it on with his daughter on his oil rig and, in a hilarious scene, he chases him around shooting with a shotgun and TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. What if he hits? What if he manages to shoot Ben Affleck? Isnt that murder? And his motive of “He was having sex with my daughter Liv Tyler” isn’t really going to work, because the jury would be going “We wanna have sex with your daughter Liv Tyler too! We totally empathize with the deceased! Guilty!” And then you notice that one of the jurors is a dead Pauly Shore. And you realize that they are actually the same bad movie. Anyway, I stopped watching it before they even got to space. I imagine they were successful, and that the earth did not get destroyed. And that Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis shared some sort of moment where the latter gives Affleck his blessing or he proves to be worthy of something or something. I bet that’s exactly what happens. But I’m already gone. Which is saying something, trust me. I watched the Garbage Pail Kids movie all the way through.

Tideland
Oh man, this is definitely the saddest one on here. I love Terry Gilliam. I love Brazil and 12 Monkeys and Time Bandits and Baron Munchausen. I don’t really like The Fisher King, but to me that was his only misstep. And then Brothers Grimm came out. And it was unabashedly awful. Just terrible. Really. But I had heard of all the on set troubles, and I could see that the script he was given was awful, and how the studio fought him at every turn. But that just got more excited about Tideland. Terry Gilliam had himself written the script, talked about how much he likes this movie, and he stands by it. And how it was a return to his creepy dark humor thing that he did so well in Brazil. And then I watched it. And then I stopped watching it. It was unimaginably bleak. Apparently he had shot this movie while taking a break from editing Brothers Grimm because of studio intervention, and poured all his bitterness into this movies. And it shows. I guess a tussle with the Weinsteins will make you want to put a girl in a a trailer alone with the slowly decomposing body of her dead father. I guess. Yup, that’s the plot of this movie. The movie starts with her mom (Jennifer Tilly) being super mean to her, then OD’ing, and so she and her dad set her body on fire with cigarettes and shoes, because that’s what she loved best. And they show all of this. And the camera is what I call “Dirt cam”. Its unsteady and zooms right into their faces and then back out and right back into their arms. Puts you in the room right with them. Except I just wanted to get out. And its a Terry Gilliam movie!This movie made me feel dirty, like I had just rolled around in shit while people hurled obscenities at me. And then I look up, and one of the people yelling at me is my really cool uncle. Its clearly the one made with the most craft on this list, but that doesn’t mean I could watch the whole thing. I hope at some point to have the emotional fortitude to be able to sit through this thing. But its going to have be in an amazing week.

You guys have any similar stories?

9 comments:

Arseface Killah said...

I too feel ashamed if I can't make it through an entire movie, book or CD because I feel like I've then joined the 3-minute-youtube-clip-ADD nation. But this nailed me recently.

Found in a thrift store for $1 and directed by John Carpenter with the words "cult classic" all over the box.

I've done it! I found a long-forgotten gem right in the bargain bin! It's going to be awesome and I'll lend it to all the movie buffs and sci-fi nerds I know who will thank me for bringing it to them!

WRONG.

20 minutes and out.

DarkStar (1974)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069945

Mo Diggs said...

Child's Play II. I had a new issue of Hit Parader in my bag that kept calling my name.

MMR said...

Garden State. Alone in my house with nothing else to do. Turned it off and spent the next hour furiously writing the most scathing blog entry ever. Probably less than 20 minutes in!

There's Something About Mary. Weird because I tend to like a clever gross-out movie (Apatow's entire ouevre; Dumb and Dumber; that sort of thing). But this one hit all my wrong buttons. I left my boyfriend in the theater and literally sat outside in the lobby watching them vacuum the floors until it was over.

Almost turned off Juno, but was watching it with a new boyfriend, who remained interested in spite of the painful annoying stilted-hipster dialogue and the relentless pro-life agenda and the misuse of Rainn Wilson in a bit part. Then we got in a fight because I was mad that everyone called Knocked Up "sexist" but then they looooved Juno, when really THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE.

That one doesn't count, because I did technically watch the whole thing. But I didn't enjoy it.

MMR said...

Also, in light of your hatred of Pauly Shore, I thought you might like this amazing video in which my friend Adam's Pitchfork interview is interrupted by none other than. I love that it is literally like, "oh, there's a camera over there? I'll go stand in front of it." Who does that??
http://www.vimeo.com/796885?pg=embed&sec=796885

Bridget Callahan said...

I couldn't make it through Pauly Shore Is Dead. Which, as you can see from the title, had promise.

Emily said...

I walked out of Daredevil in the theater. I could not negate that movie enough. Ben Afleck's stupid puns about being blind, the terrible action, Kingpin?!?!!, and scenery-chewing Colin Farrell as Bullseye? Good lord. I literally got up in the middle of the big fight scene, sighed dejectedly, and trudged my way out.
The best thing about Daredevil? Violet Garner-Afleck.

MMR said...

oh, that reminds me that I also walked out of "Kingpin." That was a terrible film. The joke about drinking from a bucket of bull sperm? HONESTLY?

Oh, also that Geena Davis/Samuel Jackson movie where she has amnesia...Long Kiss Goodnight? Is that it? I walked out of that too.

I guess I've walked out of a lot of movies. That's kind of depressing. But, you know, I just figure life's too short.

Joel said...

I actually had to INTERVIEW Pauly Shore about Pauly Shore is Dead after I was only able to make it through the movie because I watched much of it on fast-forward. It was easily one of the least funny comedies I have ever seen. And the interview was sad and hostile. Pauly did, however, make a joke that the movie Jury Duty is less fun than actual jury duty. Also he was really annoying.

If you care: http://www.digitallyobsessed.com/showinterview.php3?ID=67

Bridget Callahan said...

I just read your interview Joel. Here's my favorite part...

"dOc: What do you think the best approach is for getting more attention for your career, actually killing yourself, faking your death, or making a movie about faking your death?

Pauly: Uh, actually killing myself. But then again, I wouldn't be able to work. So probably making the movie.

dOc: Hopefully that was the right option.

Pauly: Yeah, I hope. We'll see."