I come here not to praise The X Files, but to bury it.
I have started this review so many times, and each time I haven't been able to get anything down. I don't know where to start, I don't know where to end, I don't know what to write. There is a scene, for instance, where Scully googles the words "Stem cell research", prints out some pages. Next scene, she is performing neurosurgery using the notes from her googling. That has to be the most successful googling experience in the history of the universe. Perhaps Chris Carter should have googled "How to direct a movie."
I have decided I cannot review this movie. Mulder and Scully are great in it. God bless them. But I cannot review this movie. There will be no more movies after this gets a critical and commercial hammering. So instead, consider this my eulogy for The X Files. And, as in a eulogy you don't talk about how a person died, but how they lived, I will spend some moments remembering my favorite moments of this amazing show. These are the five moments I will remember forever, that will remind me of how good the X Files was. I have some closure now. Some are scary, some funny, some sad and some all three at once. X Files magic. Here we go.
Rain King: Mulder and Scully swaying in unison at the reunion. Dancing perfectly in rhythm with each other without realizing it. How appropriate. The only dance they would ever share.
Home: The sound of Johnny Mathis singing "Wonderful Wonderful" coming in through the window of the sheriff's house just before... Probably one of the best horror movies of the last 20 years.
Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose: Everything everything everything. The whole episode. This is what I watched the day I found out Peter Boyle died. "I call 'em as I see 'em." "You know what i like." "Banana Cream Pie." "Auto erotic asphyxiation is a hell of a way to go."
Small Potatoes: A shape shifter disguised as Mulder trying to seduce Scully... and almost succeeding.
Max: Mulder holding down a seizing Max Fenig, preventing him from hurting himself. The scene perfectly captures Mulder's strength and compassion. The scene goes on for 30 seconds, but it seems like forever.
Ok, one more.
Emily: Scully deciding to let Emily go.
There are plenty plenty more, but I only want to think of five. The heroin addled woman is dead. But she will live on in these moments. I will remember her when she was happy, when she was smart and clever and loving. I will try to forget those heroin addicted years, when she puked in the bathroom, when she rambled on about crazy stuff, when she googled "stem cell research." Shudder.
I said I came here not to praise The X Files, but I guess I ended up doing exactly that. Makes it easier I think.
The Annotated Beukemix, 2017
1 month ago