Thursday, July 31, 2008

The X Files --- More Squinting

Don't worry non X Files people, this blog should be interesting even to people who dont worship at the altar of X Files.

Alright guys, so its been a bit since The X Files: I Want to Believe broke my heart and then shat on the pieces. I now feel like I can discuss it a bit more. The main misstep with the movie was a real doozy: Scully and Mulder have been living together for 6 years and are now in a state of comfortable and boring cohabitation. There's actually a scene where Mulder tries to have sex with Scully, but she thwarts his advances. What?!? You guys took what was most interesting about their dynamic and made it incredibly boring! YOu reduced their crackling repartee to "Mulder, your beard is scratchy." SCRATCHY?!? Fuck you Scully. We have been waiting for fifteen years for them to fall in love, and then you make that happen off camera?!? And not just off camera, but the camera doesn't even show up till 6 years later? If the Iron Man movie had him working on his suit for most of the movie, and then right as he is about to complete, it cuts to a visibly older Tony Stark saying "Well I used to be iron man, but I quit. Now I just kinda... hang around." And then the rest of the movie is just Tony Stark attending functions and benefits. We would be so pissed! Thats essentially what Chris Carter did with the X Files. How awesome would it have been if they hadn't seen each other in 6 years, and they rediscover each other as we rediscover them? All of us together in this exciting reunion moment! Can you imagine how nervous Mulder would be after laying eyes on Scully again? The cynicism on his face melts away as he nervously stutters her name. Scully tries to hold onto her cold scientific exterior, but Mulder's boyish charm disarms her. She smiles. "Hey Fox." "You never called me that before." "Maybe its time for new beginnings." "Let's start slow, Scully." They giggle, shake it off and put on their professional faces. The new FBI head is now in the office. Mulder sneaks a look over at Scully, who is looking right at her new boss. Mulder looks away, just as Scully steals a glance at him. Oh. My. God. I am crying just thinking about it.

But that was not to be. Instead, we get "YOur beard is scratchy."

So now I have another possible solution. I have been watching episodes of the X files to wash the taste ou tof my mouth. I just finished watching the penultimate episode of season 6, the last good season, called Field Trip. Great episode. Mulder and Scully get trapped in a fungus thing underground, that makes them hallucinate and think they are outside, so they remain complacent and dont struggle as they are slowly digested. The whole episode is super well written, and actually very creepy. They keep escaping, only to find out that they haven't escaped at all, that the hallucinogen is just making them think they escaped. We see Mulder talking to Scully, who totally agrees with his theory. "that doesn't sound like you." Mulder escaped, only to find other inconsistencies in reality. It really is a very good episode, as our principals question reality at every turn. At the end, they do actually get rescued and the last scene is them laying in gurneys in the ambulance. After that exact shot, the X Files deteriorates. Season 7 sucks, as does 8, and 9, and the movie.

BUT... what if they never got out? What if they never escaped that fungus? What if everything since then has just been an awful hallucination? Seasons 7 through 9 never happened, the pretty bad new movie never happened. No DOggett, no psychic FBI agents, no Will Scully-Mulder, no fucking scratchy beards. It makes perfect sense! Why else would the writing deteriorate so abruptly! Why else would Mulder leave the X Files! Those two are still stuck in their, being slowly digested by the giant fungus! That's it! Its the only reasonable explanation. The fungus wants them to be complacent, so it makes them think they have been in comfortable mightaswellbemarital bliss.

Because I'll tell you this, the idea of their outsides being slowly digested by fungal secretions is a better reality than everything since season 6.


Fred said...

Oh shit! I had assumed, even after reading the reviews, that Mulder and Scully HAD been apart for years. I had decided, apparently, that some Shit Had Gone Down in the interim, and they hadn't seen each other in some time, and that their reunion would be tentative and, in Scully's case, skeptical. Damn.

Your solution for the post-Field-Trip X-Files reminds me of some stuff I understand is going on in Marvel Comics right now. Apparently a number of heroes and villains have been replaced by Skrulls, a race of alien shapeshifters bent on dominating the planet. They are using this state of affairs to explain away and undo some of their apparent editorial excesses in the past few years.

MMR said...

I had no idea about the 6 years together thing. That makes me incredibly emo. Your description of your fantasy of their reunion made me feel better, though.

Arseface Killah said...

Sounds like you must have been a big fan of The Prisoner too.

Emily said...


they should have just really driven the point home with like a trip to the grocery store or an argument over money.

MMR said...

please update your blog!!! didn't you see pineapple express or something? anything? a dubbed Die Hard on Showtime after midnight? COME ON!

Cory said...

I agree with mmr.

Fred said...

Oh no! The X-Files killed Kumail's interest in movies!

The L said...

I can wait till X-Files comes on DVD. Same with Pinapple express. Tropic Thunder was a bust but Step Brothers had me in tears-by far the funniest movie this year!

Dan Telfer said...

Get the fuck back here, there's Watchmen trailers to talk about.

Cory said...

Did you die? Are you dead? I want to believe you're coming back.