Monday, June 2, 2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Bearded One




Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Fuck You George Lucas!

Take 2: Sorry I got off on the wrong track there. I will now maintain objectivity and do my best to review this movie the bes--- mother fucker! Don’t hold me back! Let me go! I’m gonna rip off his fucking beard and use his massive frog chin to----

Take 3: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a very disappointing movie. The more time goes by, the less I like it. Lets get the obligatory caveats out of the way. I love all the Indiana Jones movies. And this movie is not that bad. As a movie. As an Indiana Jones movie, it is pretty bad. There may be spoilers ahead so be careful. Here are my problems with it.

1. Fucking gophers? Really? Why? No no seriously. Why? It reminds me of how busy every scene in the Star Wars prequels is. Just shit flying around everywhere. In present terms, it would be the equivalent of walking down the street and the street is littered with paperboys, bike messengers, detectives with magnifying glasses in their hands, a mime on a unicycle, an accountant balancing a sheet, two guys carrying a pane of glass, and a pregnant woman breaking up with her husband.
2. Aliens? Really? Why? No no seriously. Why? Also, they’re not aliens, as John Hurt says. They’re interdimensional beings. They look just like aliens to me. (John Hurt has had a lot of experience with aliens before, so he should know better I guess.) And them being inter dimensional beings rather than aliens doesn’t really affect the story either way. But they still made it a point to mention, twice, that the crazy beings are inter dimensional, not alien. Its just so when people ask Lucas “Aliens? Really? Why? No no Seriously. Why?”, he can say, “Actually they’re inter dimensional beings.” And then he can pick what’s left of our childhoods out of his beard and slip it into his mouth.
3. Marion has nothing to do. In fact, she has a decent intro scene, and then she devolves into a weird woman child who grins and makes crazy faces. Lucas does not know how to write female characters. We’ve known this before. Its because he hasn’t spoken to a woman since he convinced Carrie Fisher to kneel before a giant booger in a bikini thing. No, the giant booger is not wearing the bikini thi--- you know what I’m talking about.
4. I hate sand. It gets everywhere. Wait. That’s the other movie he ruined.
5. The last sequence is all cg. I expected David Duchovny to be in the hat after that alien shi--- sorry I mean inter dimensional ship, rose out of the ground into space--- sorry. Into another dimension.
6. That scene where Mutt Williams tarzans all over the place. Also, his name is “Mutt”, Indy was the dog’s name… there’s a connection there maybe? Also, the monkeys. Goddammit. I expected Jar Jar to be swinging on one of the vines with him. “Mee sa swinging on trees.”

Ok. That’s all. Thanks for ruining my fondest memories. I now wait for Lucas to make a movie out of that really great day I had when I was 14 when we went to Universal Studios and I ate two Snickers ice cream bars and bought Psycho bath towels and rode in that awesomely kick ass Back to the future ride. But, in the movie version, the Back to the Future ride is changed to a Time Cop ride, the Snickers bars are now gigantic tubs of bubblegum and poop ice cream, and my Mom talks like she got lobotomized by a broken dvd of The Phantom Menace. Yes, I know that the movie didn’t come out until after my visit, but Lucas has never been a stickler for consistency.

Spielberg is ok tho.

2 comments:

Emily said...

ok ok, fine, you make some valid points, but i saw you in the theater, and you were grinning like a kid on the first day of summer vacation.... until that kid realized that they were trying to put aliens and gophers in your summer.

Mo Diggs said...

i love how the crystal skull becomes a lazy narrative crutch, like an interdimensional GPS.

"Where's there a Sonic around here?"
"Consult the crystal skull"

Also the waterfall sequence.

"You must go down the waterfall three times."

"Sure, works for me. Maybe my goddamn annoying son will plummet to his overdue death."