Wednesday, June 18, 2008

World's Biggest Badass: Kris Kristofferson

I could swim the Atlantic if I wanted to.

First of all, look at his face. Its like if whiskey could smoke cigarettes. He’s only 72, but looks 700. He defines grizzled. If you look up that word in the dictionary, it’s a picture of Kris Kristofferson punching a bear with a bottle of Jack Daniels, only somehow he’s drinking from it at the same time. This man could beat Clint Eastwood, Dennis Hopper and a Mummy in a grizzle-off. In fact, he kinda looks like a mummy who was like “fuck these bandages all I need is some whiskey and ass.”

But don’t take my word for it. Read the man’s bio I got from imdb. He’s like Forrest Gump, but with more brains cells and a wicked hangover. The bio in quotes, my comments in italics.

“Kris Kristofferson's father was an Air Force general who pushed his son to a military career.”
Son, killing things is what you wuz made for.

“Kris was a Golden Gloves boxer and went to Pomona College in California.”
It surprises me not at all that he can throw a punch.

“From there, he earned a Rhodes scholarship to study literature at Oxford.”
Ummm… what?!? The Rhodes scholarship?!? The most prestigious academic award in the world? To study… literature, of all thing? Ohkayyy…

“He ultimately joined the army and achieved the rank of captain.”
Of course he did.

“He became a helicopter pilot, which served him well later.”
Wait, how is this going to come into play?

“In 1965 he resigned his commission to pursue songwriting.
He had just been assigned to become a teacher at West Point. He got a job sweeping floors in Nashville studios. There he met Johnny Cash, who initially took some of his songs but ignored them. “
You don’t ignore the ‘stoff.

“He was also working as a commercial 'copter pilot at the time. He got Cash's attention when he landed his helicopter in Cash's yard and gave him some more tapes.”
Like, I said, you don’t ignore the ‘stoff. He will land a FUCKING HELICOPTER IN YOUR BACKYARD! “Hey my songwriting career isn’t taking off the way I would like. I know what I’ll do. I’ll land a helicopter in the backyard of one of HISTORY’S GREATEST SINGER/SONGWRITERS!” I would love to have seen Johnny Cash’s reaction to that. “Wait whats that sound? So loud! It sounds like a copter just landed in my yard. Ok, that is literally what just happened. Wait, is that the janitor from the studio getting out—“ The ‘stoff intimidated Johnny Cash into listening to him. Johnny Fucking Cash. The man who once sang “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die” and made you believe it. Yeah, THAT Johnny Cash. Well, I hope the ‘stoff’s songwriting can back up his bravado.

“Cash then recorded Kristofferson's "Sunday Morning Coming Down", which went was voted 1970's Song Of The Year by the Country Music Association. “
BAM! Song of the Year motherfuckers! Oh he also wrote Me and Bobby McGee, perhaps you’ve heard of it.

“Kris was noted for his heavy boozing.”
You don’t say.

“He lost his helicopter pilot job when he passed out at the controls, “
Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

“and his drinking ruined his marriage to singer Rita Coolidge,"
Wait, wait, wait. Let's go back to that last one. He passed out drunk while he was piloting a helicopter, and survived. No one has ever survived passing out at the helicopter controls before. He lost his license because they had t take it away, but apparently his supervisor’s only rebuke to him was “That’s awesome.”

when he was reaching a bottle and half of Jack Daniels daily.”
A bottle and a half? Do you have any idea how much Jack Daniels that is? If you drank that much in one day, your liver would literally fall out of your stomach. The ‘stoff did it every. Single. Day. While his liver kept yelling “Bring it!”

“He gave up alcohol in 1976.”
Cuz he reached the point where he can be perpetually drunk without ever having to taste alcohol again.

“His acting career nose-dived after making Heaven's Gate (1980) in 1980. In recent years he has made a comeback with his musical and acting careers. He does say that he prefers his music, but says his children are his true legacy.”
Nose-dived? Yeah, do you remember the Blade movies? Also, his legacy is not his children. There is no way they can live to a father who was a Golden Gloves Boxer, a Rhodes scholar, a Captain in the army, a helicopter pilot, an award winning singer songwriter, an actor who out badassed Wesley Snipes without even trying.

Here is a verse from Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down

And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringin'.
And it echoed through the canyons,
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

Disappearing dreams? Man, you sound like someone who’s already lived the dreams of five people. I feel lame. I gotta get to work.

1 comment:

Fred said...

He also went on the Muppet Show with Rita in the 70s. Don't know if that supports your thesis, but it's pretty cool.